The Firing Squad of Inner Voices and a Last-Minute Reprieve
This morning… after painting around the clock, for 12 hours a day, for two months straight, I couldn’t bear to paint any more on it. I turned the painting around to face the wall so I wouldn’t have to see it.
The painting is the greatest composition of two human figures I’ve ever done. A wild abstract arrangement, like two overlapping Stars of David. One brilliantly light, the other its opposite, black as coal. But instead of being poles apart, they share the same feeling of passion. The mirrored poses convey an extreme exuberance of flung arms and legs.
The original idea, from 20 years ago, was born out of my subjective imagination, projecting what a starburst of joy feels like to me. So on one end, the catalyst was pure emotion. Yet the process would include firsthand live observation of living models. My reference material was elaborate pencil drawings from over 40 hours working with, and paying, the two models.
The painting is so damn close. But I couldn’t get any of the edits or additions to create that magical feeling that the painting must have. I’m not sure what the problem is, though I suspect when I did the original drawings, I took two things for granted:
The background goes from light to dark. With the white figure silhouetted by the dark, and the dark figure is silhouetted by the light. But in the original drawing, both figures had a white wall behind them which is not ideal for the concept.
The second element is that there were four light sources. Two from opposite windows, a strong artificial light, and a fourth element was a low white ceiling that added a diffused, lighting element. Which, of course, means that if the lighting is confused, so will the painting be.
An unfortunate truth is that creating brilliance and exalted states of being in art is often thousands of times more difficult than painting a mangled rant. I hate to be proven true in this case.
After an exhaustive night of painting, this morning I woke up at 6:00 AM refreshed and with my mind made up. I turned the painting against the wall so I don’t have to be haunted by the little changes that might lead to a magical resolution. Even though I did fight the urge to take fire engine red paint and slash a red X on the painting and throw it away. Secretly, I would have enjoyed destroying it. Though I’ve done that a couple of times in the past, this painting is amazing and deserves a chance to reach its potential.
Knowing that I tried everything that I could do with the reference materials I had, and they were not leading me to resolve this extraordinary, complex painting on technical, emotional, and intellectual levels. This morning I messaged one of my favorite models, who is featured in a couple of Space Series paintings. He and his beautiful and smiling fiancée agreed to step in in two weeks and recreate the composition of the figures. But this time I am armed with my more advanced understanding of light and composing the human body. I am hoping that with the new references I will be able to resolve the problems in a few minutes of painting — and not over another 20 years.
Michael Newberry, Idyllwild, California. June 30, 2025
Michael Newberry 
I really enjoyed reading your reflection. We may not be on the same creative paths, but I still believe it’s so important for creative minds to show their rough seasons of creating.
I feel the same way about my writing sometimes. I always feel like I’m missing something or that I’m expressing myself in a ridiculous juvenile way. I too have deleted and erased works that could’ve worked.
Thanks Lina. Having a trusted mentor can be very helpful early on. I had a wonderful mentor when I was 18 to 20, a college professor. He confirmed my talent and could show me the next steps that I was ready for. Later, like now, its fun to take on a challenge that is maybe too many steps ahead of me, it becomes an irresistable puzzle to solve. Fun.